my oven-a humorous account on life in my own kitchen after leaving Cluny Kitchen

•  a fictional story:

I leaned over the hob and grated fresh ginger into the carrot soup.   The cooker kicked me.

I kicked it back.

“What’s your problem?” I asked.  “I’m the one who should be irritable.   I’m used to a professional kitchen, I could cook using a wok, four saucepans and bake a cake in the oven all at the same time in Cluny Kitchen.

“You know I tried to cook a cake in your oven last night and it was all goey in the middle after cooking for forty minutes.

The oven kicked me.                                                                                                                       I kicked it back.

“Why are you angry? Don’t you ike what I cook on you? Do I use too much garlic.   At least  only cook vegetarian food.   You could have had a carnivore cooking on you.”

Bits of bodies of cows, sheep and pigs, fat splashing all over you and congealing I even give your grill a rest because I don’t make toast.   Imagine your pan permanently littered with burned bits of bread?”

“What’s  that? You wish I did cook meat?   You fancy the aroma of a bit of chicken brest every now and then.”

“I guess I need to treat you better.   Perhaps I will cook some for you, but it would have to be a free range chicken that has agreed to end up on a plate.”

“How would  know?  I’m talking to you aren’t I?”

You know I’m much better at looking after a cooker than I used t be.  I used to leave cleaning my cooker until the next day sometimes but when I worked in the kitchen at Cluny the head cook would bark out orders to me to keep my area clean throughout the shift.   After two years of that experience I tidy and clean without even thinking about it.

Tell you what.   Shall I give you a name? W named our cooker and appliances in Cluny.   All our ovens were named after volcanoes like Krakatoa and Vesuvius   You are a more gentle oven.

Delia would suit you.

What you are a male cooker!

Oh well, Keith wold be nice after Keith Floyd.

You say it’s not butch enough?

How about Bernie then?

There you are.   The soup is finished and you didn ‘t even notice me using the hand b lender in it.

The vibrations messed up your Chakras did they.   which chakra?   Your base Chakra.

You are very sensitive aren’t you.

Well I will treat you better in future.

But why did you kick me?

When your lower door is nudged you have a reflex action just like I do on my knee.

Oh now I understand.   I’ll put a barrier round it to stop my feet accidentally nudging against your delicate spot in future.